More LGBTQ+ couples than ever before are choosing to start families and become parents. With increasing legal protections and growing social acceptance, having children is now a viable option for many couples who just a decade ago would have faced major obstacles.
This article will provide an overview of the most common options available to LGBTQ+ couples who want to become parents. We’ll explore the benefits and challenges of each path, from legal considerations to financial costs. Key options that will be covered include assisted reproduction such as IVF with an egg donor or gestational surrogate, adoption through public or private agencies, and fostering to adopt.
Additionally, this guide will address some of the unique difficulties that LGBTQ+ couples may encounter when starting a family, from navigating workplace assumptions to overcoming societal stigmas about same-sex parenting.
Egg Donor
This process involves one partner providing sperm while the other receives eggs from a donor. The eggs are then fertilized and implanted in the receiving partner’s uterus.
The egg donor process begins with selecting an egg donor. This is often done through a fertility clinic or egg donor agency. Prospective parents can choose an anonymous donor or someone known to them.
Using an egg donor has costs beyond just medical expenses. Donor fees average $8,000 and medications around $3-5,000 per IVF cycle. There may be added legal fees as well. Egg donors waive legal rights to any children born, but a lawyer can help draft paperwork to protect all involved. Some states also legally recognize the non-biological parent through second-parent adoption.
The egg donor route can be costly financially and emotionally, but with the right education and support, it’s a common option for many families.
Surrogacy
There are two main types of surrogacy:
Traditional Surrogacy
In traditional surrogacy, the surrogate’s own egg is fertilized via artificial insemination or intrauterine insemination using the intended father’s sperm. This means the surrogate is genetically related to the child. The process involves finding a willing surrogate, signing contracts, conducting medical procedures, and legal proceedings to transfer parentage after birth.
Some key considerations for traditional surrogacy:
- The surrogate has legal rights as the biological mother, so intended parents must go through adoption procedures after birth to gain full parental rights.
- It can be considerably less expensive than gestational surrogacy, with costs ranging from $40,000-$100,000.
- Traditional surrogacy is banned in some states, so do your research.
Gestational Surrogacy
In gestational surrogacy, the egg is from the intended mother or an egg donor, then fertilized via IVF and implanted into the surrogate. This means the surrogate is not genetically related to the child. The process is similar but involves additional medical steps like IVF. Key considerations include:
- Since the surrogate is not biologically related to the child, parenting rights are more straightforward
- Costs range from $90,000-$150,000, making it more expensive than traditional surrogacy.
No matter which type of surrogacy is chosen, it’s critical that intended parents and surrogates work with legal professionals to ensure proper contracts and procedures are in place. While surrogacy can be a fulfilling way for same-sex couples to grow their families, the legal and financial elements require careful research and planning.
Adoption
Adoption provides children in need with a stable, loving home environment. There are two main types of adoption to consider – domestic adoption within the country you live in, and international adoption which involves adopting a child from another country.
The adoption process involves a home study, background checks, interviews, and paperwork. The requirements and steps vary based on the type of adoption, the adoption agency or facilitator used, and state and country laws. On average the process can take anywhere from 1-3 years and adoption costs range from $20,000-$40,000 on average. International adoption can be more expensive ranging from $30,000-$50,000.
Some key factors that determine eligibility for LGBTQ+ couples pursuing adoption include:
- Marital status – Some states and countries only allow married couples to adopt jointly. For unmarried couples, one partner may be able to adopt as a single parent.
- State and country laws – Adoption laws vary greatly so it’s important to research the requirements for your specific situation. Some states and countries prohibit adoption by LGBTQ+ couples.
- Age and health requirements – There are often age cutoffs and health screening requirements
Fostering
The fostering process involves becoming certified as a foster parent through a public or private agency. The process includes training, home visits, background checks, and reviews of your finances and home.
Foster agencies aim to place children in safe, stable homes so qualifications often focus on the potential parents’ ability to provide a loving environment. Agencies cannot legally discriminate against LGBTQ couples in most states. However, some faith-based agencies only work with heterosexual couples. LGBTQ+ couples may face additional scrutiny or have to advocate more strongly that they can provide a suitable home.
Once certified, foster parents can start receiving placements for anywhere from a few days to many years. The end goal of fostering is generally reunification with the child’s birth family. However, foster-to-adopt is an option if that does not happen.Fostering provides the chance to care for a child in need while working towards adoption. It also often costs less than domestic infant adoption and it’s a much simpler process.
Challenges Faced by LGBTQ+ Parents
LGBTQ+ couples pursuing parenthood often face unique challenges that their heterosexual peers do not encounter. Here are some of the most common issues:
Workplace Misconceptions and Stigmas
- Assumptions that the non-biological parent is not a “real” parent.
- Lack of understanding around maternity/paternity leave.
- Discrimination and looking down on parents, especially in more conservative work environments.
Stigmas Around Same-Sex Parenting
- Outdated notions that children need both a mother and father.
- Biased assumptions about the child’s well-being and upbringing.
- Discriminatory attitudes that children raised by LGBTQ+ parents will be disadvantaged.
- Harmful stereotypes that same-sex parents have psychological issues or agendas.
Legal Considerations
It’s important for prospective parents to understand their rights and the legal landscape.
One major consideration is second-parent adoption. When a same-sex couple has a child through donor insemination, only the biological parent has legal rights. The non-biological parent must pursue second-parent adoption to establish legal parentage. This can be a lengthy and expensive process, requiring home visits and court approval. Requirements vary greatly depending on location. Some states still prohibit joint adoption for same-sex couples.
Surrogacy also poses complex legal issues. It’s crucial to have an experienced attorney draft a thorough surrogacy contract covering issues like legal parentage, especially for male couples working with a gestational surrogate. Even with a contract, some states may not recognize both dads as legal parents.
The situation grows more complicated if a couple relocates or travels to a less LGBTQ-friendly state. A second-parent adoption established in one state may not be valid in another.
Financial Considerations
Planning for the financial costs associated with starting a family is a critical part of the process, especially for LGBTQ couples who often face additional expenses. Here’s an overview of the financial considerations for the various paths to parenthood:
Egg Donor and Surrogacy
- Using an egg donor and gestational carrier is often the most expensive option, with costs ranging from $100,000 to over $200,000 on average. This includes compensation for the egg donor and surrogate, agency fees, legal fees, IVF and other medical expenses, insurance, etc.
- Budgeting for costs over multiple cycles may be needed, as success rates vary. Travel costs may also be a factor if working with an agency in a different state.
Adoption
- Adoption costs vary greatly depending on the type of adoption, ranging from $20,000 to $50,000 on average. Domestic infant adoption is typically the most expensive.
- Grants, crowdfunding, employer benefits, and tax credits may help offset costs. Home studies, legal fees and travel are common expenses.
- Foster-to-adopt can reduce upfront costs, as the state covers foster care expenses for a time. However, costs still apply to finalize an adoption from foster care.
Financial Planning Resources
- Consult a financial advisor who is familiar with paths to family building for LGBTQ couples. They can provide guidance on budgeting, financing options, minimizing taxes, and more.
- Nonprofits like Family Equality Council offer financial planning guides for prospective LGBTQ parents.
- Connect with other LGBTQ parents through local groups or online communities
- Research employer adoption benefits and any state adoption subsidies or tax credits available.
Support Resources
- LGBTQ parenting groups. Many major cities have local groups specifically for same-sex parents. These provide opportunities to connect with other families, ask questions, and find referrals. Some have monthly meetings, family events, or online forums. Search for “[city name] LGBTQ parents network” to find local options.
- Online groups and communities. Websites like GaysWithKids.com offer forums, blogs, and resources
- General parenting groups. While not specific to LGBTQ parents, groups like La Leche League for breastfeeding support are open to all families. Attending regular parenting groups helps normalize same-sex parents and reduces feelings of isolation.
- Other families. Connecting with other LGBTQ parents through social groups, schools, or neighborhood events also provides solidarity and support. Building a community of families helps overcome challenges.
