The tween years are an exciting time as kids start to gain more independence and responsibility, but it also brings new challenges for both tweens and parents. As your child approaches the tween years, you’ll notice big changes in their physical, cognitive, social, and emotional development. It’s important for parents to understand what’s going on during this transitional time, so you can help guide your tween through new experiences and expectations.
The tween years mark the beginning of adolescence. As hormones surge, tweens start to look more like teens than little kids. Girls may begin menstruating and boys will notice changes like facial hair starting to grow. Tweens gain a greater capacity for complex thought, but their judgment and decision making skills are still developing. Socially, peer relationships take on more importance as kids assert their independence and individuality.
This is also the age when many tweens join social media and care more about fitting in. Greater exposure to peer pressure, comparisons, and social media often shakes tweens’ confidence. It’s natural for tweens to start questioning who they are, pushing boundaries, and seeking your guidance less often even as they need it just as much.
The tween years are full of monumental physical and emotional changes. As your child navigates this transition, they will look to you for support. Staying involved and keeping open communication sets the stage for getting through the tween years smoothly
The Tween Years
The tween years typically span ages 10-12. This is a time of immense change for kids physically, socially, emotionally, and mentally. They are starting puberty, experiencing growth spurts, and developing sexual curiosity.
Socially, peer relationships become incredibly important during the tween years. Tweens start to pull away from their parents and care much more about fitting in with their peers. They want independence, but still require supervision and support. Cliques and exclusive friend groups emerge, and peer pressure intensifies.
Emotionally, tweens experience more mood swings and emotions as their hormones fluctuate. They can be very self-conscious and hyper-focused on their appearance and how they are perceived by others. Self-esteem and confidence fluctuate.
Mentally, tweens gain the ability for more complex thought. But judgment and decision making skills are still developing. As a result, impulsiveness and risk-taking increase since their brain is still maturing, especially the prefrontal cortex which controls planning and self-regulation.
Peer Pressure (ugh!)
The tween years can be difficult as children start trying to establish their independence. They start spending more time with friends and peers as the natural need for approval and a sense of belonging grows. Your once obedient child may start talking back or questioning rules as they try to assert themselves, this is natural and honestly, expected.
They may start dabbling in minor rule breaking like staying up late, trying out makeup or using social media without permission. Tweens want to fit in with their peers which can lead to peer pressure. While concerning, a little experimentation and minor rule breaking is developmentally appropriate.
Note that only you know what is considered minor rule breaking. What may be minor for you, may not be for another, and that is okay. There is no one size fits all rule.
As a parent, try to keep calm if you discover some broken rules. Have an open, non-judgmental talk with your tween. Explain your concerns and reasons for rules, but ask for their perspective too. With empathy, guidance and continued supervision, this phase will pass.
Social Media Use Intensifies
For many tweens, social media becomes central to their social lives and relationships during this time. While Millennials never grew up with social media (does anyone here remember MySpace or Sconex?) social platforms are native for tweens today. They actually grew up with the emergence of social platforms like SnapChat and TikTok.
While social media can help tweens feel connected and in-the-know, it also intensifies social comparison and FOMO (fear of missing out).
Tweens may start to obsessively compare themselves to social media influencers and celebrities, as well as their own peers online. Unfortunately, for many young girls, social media perpetuates an unrealistic standard of beauty that leads to feelings of insecurity, anxiety, and having low self-esteem if they feel they don’t measure up. The carefully curated glimpses into others’ lives on social media also fuels major FOMO in many tweens. They can start to feel like their life and friends must not be as exciting or cool as what they see posted online.
It’s important for you to have frequent conversations, setting screen time limits if needed. Talk to them about how the images they see don’t show real life and remind them of their own self-worth that exists apart from social platforms. Teach them to take social media breaks if they start feeling down while scrolling. Stay involved in their online activities and discuss red flags like cyberbullying. With your support, they can learn to engage in social media more positively during the tween years.
Self-Esteem and Self-Image Challenges
As tweens go through puberty, their bodies start changing rapidly, which can make them self-conscious. Girls in particular start to experience pressure related to their appearance and attractiveness. Tweens also look to their peers for validation, so fitting in becomes extremely important.
Social media adds another layer of difficulty. Platforms like Instagram and TikTok value beauty and coolness, which exacerbates poor self-image issues. Tweens may portray very curated versions of themselves online while struggling with insecurities privately.
It’s important for parents to talk about separating social media from reality. Talk to them about how photos can be manipulated, edited, and filtered, and how people only share selected highlights, not ordinary moments. Social media is literally a highlight reel, not an accurate reflection of real life.
Reinforce that real confidence comes from within, not from likes or followers. Let your tween know that you value who they are as a whole person, not how they look or what others think of them. With your unconditional support, they can build true self-esteem.
The Comparison Game
The tween years mark the emergence of what’s called the “comparison game.”
Seeing the carefully curated and filtered snapshots that others post triggers feelings of insecurity and inadequacy in many tweens. They start to fixate on how they look in photos, obsessing over getting the perfect shot. Tweens also compare the number of likes, comments, and followers they have to their peers. Not getting enough positive feedback can be devastating to a tween’s self-esteem.
The comparison game affects how tweens view their own value and worth. A tween who perceives herself as less attractive, stylish, or popular than her peers based on social media often struggles with negative self-talk. She may call herself names like “ugly” or “weird” or a “loser.” These kinds of unhealthy comparisons can lead tweens down the path of depression and anxiety. Consider:
- Reviewing their followers and accounts they follow. You can also set parental controls on most platforms
- Hide the number of likes and shares so tweens don’t focus on the quantity of their engagements
- Cyber bullying and harassment becomes more common. Consider hiding negative comments and blocking trolls / “haters.”
- Look at their recent posts: have any photos been edited or photoshopped? This may be worth a bigger conversation.
Tweens are vulnerable to exclusion and feelings of isolation. Even small slights like not getting invited to a sleepover or hanging out at a friend’s house can be crushing for a tween’s self-esteem. As a parent, talk openly with your child about bullying and exclusion. Look for warning signs like withdrawal from friends or not wanting to attend school events.
How to Help Your Tween
The tween years can be challenging, but these years are critical in helping your tween become their own person. Here are several things you can do to help your tween navigate this time:
Open Communication
Keep the lines of communication open with your tween. Have regular conversations about what’s going on in their social life and how they are feeling. Listen without judgment and let them know you are there to help them work through any issues. Discuss peer pressure and make sure they know they can come to you if they ever feel uncomfortable or need help responding to peers or social situations.
Monitor Social Media
Pay attention to your tween’s social media accounts. Set age-appropriate limits on their usage and consider managing their privacy settings. Talk to them about their online friends and connections, and remind them not to share too much personal information online. Discuss the realities of photo editing and filters that alter appearances (remember, Instagram is not real and influencers have problems too!). Ensure your tween knows their self-worth is not defined by likes or comments.
Boost Self-Esteem
Find ways to boost your tween’s confidence and self-esteem. Praise their character, talents and effort they put in rather than just external qualities. Make sure they know your love is unconditional. Teach them to identify and reframe negative self-talk. Promote exercise, healthy eating and good sleep habits. If self-esteem issues persist, consider counseling.
The tween years are a critical time for parents to connect with kids, understand their challenges, and support their growth. With love, understanding, and open communication, parents can help guide tweens through this transitional time, building confidence and resilience.
The good news is that the tween years won’t last long. So, stay engaged with your child, keep an open mind and communication, lead by example, and demonstrate unconditional love. With patience and care, your tween will get through it.
